Thinking about the leap.

I find myself at a crossroads. 

My husband Alan & I have just moved into a house, after 3 years of limbo, we are finally in our own place.  And now I'm questioning everything...house, job, lifestyle.  It's funny that for the last three years all I've wanted was roots and now all I want are wings. 

I've been sick for the last three days and I've just been hanging around the house, in bed, spending quality time with my tissue box.  Yesterday I was sitting outside and it struck me that I was lonely, that I was alone.  And I don't feel this way when it's just me, I don't feel this way when Alan is home but on my own at home I felt lonely.  I would love to think that I am the life of the party at times, smarter then your average bear and all-around good time gal the rest of the time.  So it was strange for me to suddenly be alone. 

Our home has a view over a nature preserve and gives you that feeling of solitude (in a good way).  I can't hear I-84 despite it's proximity, I can't hear the rush on Old Hawleyville Road, it's SO peaceful.  But I don't know if I crave the peace or the solitude.  I sit here starting to think about my life and family and plans for the future and I want hustle/bustle.  There is something about finding myself here that feels like something is coming, like there is something on the horizon coming in the wind.  I don't know what it is, I don't know what it will bring, but its coming. 

I feel no desire to go back to work tomorrow, no drive towards a greater opportunity.  I feel under-whelmed by it all and I wonder what that will bring.  Will it bring anything?  Will I end up happy?  I have a great time with the people I work with, when we travel, in the office...everywhere we have a great time, but I wonder what will it bring me in the end?  I read an article about the Gen Yer's feeling a sense of entitlement which has lead them to start their own businesses, after being disillusioned by the reality of the workplace.  They are striving for more.  And I wonder if I have become one of them?  Am I through with the monotonous bullshit that compiles in my day-to-day?  And will it really be any different at any other job or environment?

I don't want to start my own company.  I honestly don't know what I would do and my passions aren't things I have ever done in real life.  I think the truth is I'm scared...of not being good enough, of being judged and frankly, I don't know if I can take that kind of criticism and be okay.  But I wonder if that sort of fulfilling happiness would make it be okay...if that would make me happy? 

It would be quite a leap...